A dreaded question
by mimijag
Summary: Tom is facing a question from his daugter.


_I know there's no chance for us to see that on screen but I couldn't help it ! _

It was a quiet evening at Downton Abbey. The family was gathered for an informal dinner and the conversations were light. Tom was chatting with Matthew about some damages on the roof of one of the cottages when he spotted his four year old daughter beginning to stir on her seat. He glanced at her, asking her silently not to embarrass him. It had taken him a lot of negotiations with the Grantham for his daughter to be allowed at the table with them now she was older so he didn't need her to make some fuss and ruin his point.

It was already hard enough to fight them each day about the way he wanted to educate her. But he promised Cora he would stay at Downton until she was older so he had no choice now. Although he was thinking that five years could be a good deal and was beginning to think about his next move.

He had a long conversation with Sybbie before her first diner on how she must behave but he knew that it was a lot to take for a little girl. He was not ready to let her eat all by herself with the nanny though.

With these thoughts about his impending freedom and his daughter, he didn't catch what Matthew was telling him but he did clearly hear his daughter calling after him.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Why I don't have a mommy?"

All the conversations stopped at the same time and a heavy silence fell on the room. All eyes were turned to Tom who was looking at his daughter with blank eyes.

"What?" He gulped to try to ease the knot in his throat.

He perfectly heard her but he wanted some time to think about how to answer that one. He had been dreading this question for years. There hadn't been a night since Sybbie began to talk when he didn't think about how to answer that. But, after almost two years of thinking, he still didn't have find the best way to do it.

"Why I don't have a mommy? James and John have Aunt Mary. Why I just have a nanny?"

Tom felt that his body was beginning to shake. He was paralyzed in front of the expecting eyes of his daughter. His mouth seemed to be full of lead and his head empty. How to tell a little girl why she isn't lucky enough to have a mommy? How to tell your own daughter why the love of your life isn't there anymore?

Mortified to feel tears forming in his eyes, he quickly excused himself and left the room all but running out of it. He couldn't breathe anymore. He needed some air; he needed to be alone to regroup.

Back in the room, there were a stunned crow and a little girl who was wondering what she did wrong to upset her father. Seeing tears forming in her eyes, Mary went to her and took her in her arms.

"Come here, Sybbie. It's gonna be alright."

"Why daddy's angry with me?" She sobbed in the neck of her aunt.

"Daddy's not angry with you. He's just sad", she said while shaking her head to Matthew who was telling her he was going to look after Tom.

"He's sad because I don't have a mommy?"

Mary didn't answer and just kiss the little girl's cheek.

"Let's find your daddy. He'll explain it to you, alright?"

"'kay," she replied with a thin voice.

Matthew found Tom in the library. His back was to him but he could tell he was crying, his body shaking with sobs.

"You have to tell her", he said. "As hard as it will be. She needs to know the truth. You've been holding it back for too long now."

"But how?" Answered Tom spinning around to face his brother-in-law." How can I tell her this? She's so young! How can I possibly ruin her whole world? Whatever I'll say, she'll end up hating me or herself."

"I think you could be surprised at how well children can handle the truth. You don't have to tell her the entire thing. Just the facts."

"Maybe you're right", granted Tom.

"It's worth a try anyway", Matthew said just as Mary entered the room with Sybbie in her arms.

Tom took a big breath and stretched out his arms towards his daughter.

"I'm sorry I left you, Sweetie."

"Why are you crying, Daddy?" Asked the little girl while wrapping her arms around his neck.

Tom lifted one hand to his face to wipe the tears. He hadn't realized that he was still crying.

"It's not your fault, babe", he said after kissing her head. "Your question just brings some painful memories. But, I'm ok now. It's over."

"Memories about my mommy?" She asked innocently.

Tom looked at his daughter and thought that Matthew was right. Maybe it was time for him to share with her what was lying in his heart for so long now. She seemed to be ready.

"Do you want Daddy to tell you a story?"

The little girl opened her eyes wide with anticipation.

"A story about my mommy?"

"Yes, a story about your mommy."

Sybbie nodded her head with frenzy.

"Ok, let just sit down," said Tom.

He went to one of the chair near the fireplace and made a slight nod with his head to Matthew and Mary who were watching him carefully.

"It will be alright."

"If you need us, we'll be in the dinner room."

"Thank you."

"So!" Exclaimed Sybbie getting impatient." Can I have the story now, please!"

Tom smiled at the polite word used by his daughter. Why Lord Grantham never was there to witness this kind of things?

"Yes, you can. So," sighed Tom." It was a long time ago you know."

"Before I was born?"

"Oh yes, a lot before that. You know, Daddy used to work here."

"Work here? For Grand papa? Like Mister Carson?"

"Well, not exactly like Mister Carson but yes, for Grand papa. I was his chauffeur."

Sybbie made an O with her mouth to show her surprise.

"You were driving cars. It must be fun!"

"Yes, it was. And, thanks to this job, I met your mother."

"She was working for Grand papa too?"

"No", laughed Tom. "She was Grand papa's youngest daughter. Your Aunt's sister. "

Sybbie frowned. The information given by her father was spinning in her head and she was trying to find out how his father possibly could have share something with a Lady if he was a simply working as a chauffeur. Could Mister Thomas fall in love with her aunt Edith too ?

"Anyway", continued Tom wishing to keep things simple for her. "We fell in love, we got married and we've got you."

"So, Mommy was like a princess to you? She lived in the big house and you were working for her daddy. And then she fell in love with you and you came to deliver her."

"Yes", chuckled Tom seeing how his daughter was summing up the situation. "Sort of."

"Wow. So, does it mean I'm a princess too?"

Tom thought for an instant that he shouldn't read her so much fairy tales at night but finally shrugged his shoulders.

"I think so. You're my little princess anyway."

His daughter gave him a bright smile before becoming serious again.

"But where is she gone? Why did I never see her?"

"Well, that's the sad part of the story. Just after your birth, she got sick…and she died", gulped Tom.

"I made mommy sick?" Interrupted Sybbie.

"No, not you", quickly answered Tom while caressing his daughter's hair. "Not you, don't worry. She was probably sick before that but we just didn't know."

The last thing he wanted was that his daughter could think she was responsible for her mother's death. So he rather tell a little lie for now. It was better than to see her resent him or herself. But his answer seemed to satisfy her enough at this time.

"Did she see me before dying?"

"Oh yes, she saw you. And she thought you were the most beautiful little girl in the world."

"I'm glad she could see me," said Sybbie with all the innocence a children can have." Was she beautiful too? What was her name?"

"Her name was Sybil."

"Just like me?"

"Yes, I name you after her so I can remember her each time I look at you. She was very beautiful. And you look just like her," said Tom feeling tears coming again in his eyes.

Talking about the events of this night and about his wife with Sybbie was both wonderful and painful.

"Would you like to see a picture of her?"

"Oh yes, please daddy."

"I'll show you one before tucking you in bed later, ok?"

"Ok…Do you miss her?"

Tom swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I miss her every minute of every day. I'm sad she can't see the beautiful and wonderful little girl you became. And I'm feeling lonely sometimes. But she gave me you, so it makes things a lot better."

"I'm glad she gave me to you too so we have each other. And I'm sure she's not lonely too. She must have tea with Granny Violet and Isis in heaven."

"Yeah, you're probably right", answered Tom while wiping a tear on his cheek by seeing how his daughter seemed to handle things a lot better than him.

"Don't cry, daddy", she said, kissing him on the cheek. "I'm sure we'll be all reunited one day."

"I know, sweetie, I know", said Tom, crushing her against him.

After a few minutes of cuddling, he coughed to clear his voice and, after one last kiss on his daughter's head, he get up and said.

"Come on. Time to go to bed now. We are going to say our goodnights."

"And you'll show me the picture of mommy."

"And I'll show you the picture of your mommy, yes", he answered, thinking of his wedding picture hided in his bedside table.

They entered the dinner room and all the conversations stopped again. The family noticed the reddened eyes of Tom but also the bright smile on Sybbie's face.

"Is everything alright?" Asked Matthew.

"We're fine", said Tom softly.

"I'm a princess!" Exclaimed Sybbie." I'm Daddy's princess; I have the same name than my mommy who loved us very much. But she had to go to heaven because she was sick but it's not my fault and now, she's over there with Isis and Granny Violet drinking tea. Daddy is sad but it's ok because he has me and we'll be all together again someday."

Proud of her monologue, she smiled at her family while Tom was rolling his eyes at them with a sad smile. He couldn't stop himself to think that they would probably disapprove all this but for now, his baby was thinking of her mother in a happy way so it was ok with him.

"And now, I'm going to bed and daddy will show me a picture of mommy. She was very beautiful, he said. Just like me."

"It's true, my love", said Cora who was trying not to cry.

"Ok, goodnight, everyone," said finally Tom who was desperate to find back the intimacy of his room.

All this evening had exhausted him. Both physically and emotionally. But now, things were different because, from this day on, he could talk about Sybil with his daughter and, at last, took the picture of her out of his bedside table's drawer without fearing any question.

He knew that, someday, when she'll be older, he would have to tell her the whole truth about his love story whit her mother. But for now, it was just a step forward. A huge step for him. But still a step. One more step away from this awful summer night.

**The end**


End file.
